Question
My 8-year-old daughter can be very sweet and super-helpful some days, but more often then not she is defiant and disobeys every single instruction I give her. Over the years I have tried many consequences that I've learned about from your books and website (taking everything from her room, 3-ticket system, etc). These work short-term but she reverts back. I now created a new chart where I listed the undesired responses to my instructions (ignoring, talking back, complaining, etc.) and I listed the consequences in order (first one free, then 1 week loss of computer time, loss of next birthday party she is invited to, loss of regular bedtime, and lastly room confinement). I wrote on this sheet that she is the boss of her behavior and I explained that she is in charge of the choices that she makes. She told me that she hates all these charts and this new chart "doesn't count"!. Yesterday, she wanted to take our 2-year-old son with her to the shower and we said no. She said then she will not shower at all, I said fine and crossed the first line. She then said she won't go to brush teeth or to sleep when we requested she do so, I said fine and crossed the next 2 lines. She then proceeded to tell me that if I don't remove the chart, she will not go to school tomorrow. Sure enough, this morning, she refused to get out of bed. I keep calm on the outside, but inside my blood is boiling. Enforcing the consequences is also difficult, especially the early bedtime, because then the homework, chores or shower doesn't get completed. What am I doing wrong? I told her I hate the chart too and I wish I didn't have to put it up. I am at my wits end with her and I find it hard to be "dispassionate" as you advise, at least on the inside.
