Question
What is your advice regarding grounding teenagers such that they miss major milestone events or rites of passage? I would greatly like to avoid punishments such as missing prom or graduation; however, we are dealing with a senior who has completely stopped doing schoolwork and was already grounded before smuggling contraband electronics (laptop and cellphone) to circumvent the terms of being grounded. She was also recently caught with contraband drugs & vapes. Vapes are extremely serious because 2nd-hand vapor causes life-threatening reactions for her mother (who is also currently pregnant). The petulant teenager insists that she "doesn't care" if the vapes could harm her mother or unborn sibling and further insists that the reactions are anxiety (as opposed to reactive airway disease, as diagnosis by a medical professional). She does not have a car or a license, and all electronics have already been restricted, so is there a way to avoid grounding her from prom and/or graduation?
Answer
Hello, and thank you for your question. My heart literally hurts for you. And I know the ache, all too well.
When your children disappoint you so thoroughly, it's hard to know how to respond. My advice is to list what you can and cannot keep her from doing, and under what circumstances you're willing to allow certain activities. When your daughter is out of high school and 18 you can kick her out of your home if you so choose. Until then, you are responsible for housing, basic clothing, sustenance, medical care and access to education. Attending prom and her graduation ceremony are not required to live a full and productive life. It'll be sad if she doesn't get to go - possibly sadder for the adults who had the dreams of those moments - but it won't ruin her life. If those events are really important to her, and if she believes that you are mean parents (that is, you mean what you say), then she'll toe the line you draw for her. Let it be her problem to solve.
Warmly,
Wendy Faucett
Certified Leadership Parenting Coach
wendyfaucett@gmail.com
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