Question
Looking for any direction. We found about 19 months ago our daughter was cutting, this was in December of her 7th-grade year. She broke down saying she's wanted to tell us but couldn't figure out how. She is so unhappy. She doesn't remember what happy even feels like. the last time she can remember feeling happy and not miserable was in 6th grade. She said she sobs uncontrollably every night in bed and feels empty inside.
Eventually found out in January (a month later) that she hears voices. Voices that want her to hurt herself and hurt other people. Looking back, I can see all the signs, but I was attributing them to her being a teenager. She's a WONDERFUL girl. She has friends, she is a giving, loving person. While she sometimes fights with us, it is not really anything significant. In general, she is very well behaved, respectful was getting great grades, physically active - on a travel soccer team.....
Depression and anxiety run in my family. My sister has been suicidally depressed a couple of times in her life. She gets on medication. Gets it regulated for a while then weans off and is good for about 10 years. Repeat. Lots of cousins, aunts with depression and anxiety - but to my knowledge, no one has hallucinations like this.
We did take my daughter to a therapist and a psychologist. She is now on her 3rd medication over the course of the past year and 1/2. The first one, latuda, did stop the voices for about 6 weeks, but then, they came back. It is such a SLOW and FRUSTRATING process. It's not working? Wait 6-8 weeks and we'll up the dose if we need to. Repeat. And wait 2 months. And up the dose. And wait 2 more months. For the last year and a half. Since that first dose of latuda - nothing has stopped the voices. Sometimes they are more muted. But they have not gone away.
Since this began she definitely prefers working with my husband to me. She says it is hard to look at me, the woman who gave her life, and tell me she doesn't want it anymore. She doesn't want to hurt me that way. Her dad hides his emotions better and is easier to deal with, according to her. In general, I think I'm handling it as well as I could. But it is hard not to look sad sometimes when I see my baby hurting this bad. I don't break down, cry or have hysterics - but I'm sure I look sad.
I know this is a more serious psychological issue than you can deal with in this note. But as a mother I'm at a loss. I don't know what to do. One Dr. says do a body check every day to make sure she isn't cutting. Which she hates, unsurprisingly. "I'm trying! I dont' want you to see if I had a weak moment." Another Dr. says to not check, she will feel bad enough about it without the added pressure of having to discuss it with you, she understands the situation and is trying.
I sometimes feel like we are giving in to her too much. She spends too much time on her phone, more than I allow my other children. But I know she is watching funny shows/videos to try and distract herself from the voices. She often wants to go for a drive, her anxiety is ramped up or the voices are really loud and it helps to get out and do something different. But she always wants a coffee or something. One therapist said sometimes depression can make you crave caffeine - the pep it gives you to get up and get moving. But I certainly wouldn't take my other kids out for a drive or a coffee that frequently. But I also recognize that her situation is very different.
She never looks happy. She's been hospitalized a couple of times. Her grades have dropped. But I know it is often very difficult to concentrate when her voices are loud. I can see she is trying.
Her self-esteem is gone. She won't try her hardest, at anything anymore, because if she's trying and fails - she says she can't handle it.
I'm at a loss. Any suggestions, direction, books you have to recommend would be appreciated.
