Grandmother raising 14 yo behavior problems


I am guardian of my 14 year old granddaughter who was abandoned by her emotionally abusive birth mother. Recently my granddaughter began to "hate all mothers" and has been unresponsive to me as her grandmother (retired children's pastor).... I have sent her to live with her father, my son, who is now doing rather well on medication for paranoid schizophrenia. He is loving and kind, although too permissive. The problem is that this child is in control (a major foundational problem as she has always been in control with her father who took care of her until age 4) and takes advantage of the softness of her father to dismiss my rules (normal everyday rules of respect, truth, following instructions)... She now is even less responsive to me the longer she is with her father. Her time with me had become impossible because I asked her to take medication for depression and she lied and hid it under her tongue for a month and spit it out when i wasn't looking. I noticed she wasn't getting any better and i asked to see inside her mouth. That began sour silent treatment and rudeness and even cursing at me, from which i finally had to get relief by sending her to live with her father for awhile. I see her almost every day when her father brings her to my house for a few minutes. I'm loving, hug her and kiss her head and smile at her while she is still distant and unresponsive and sour. This is heartbreaking... How do you recommend i interact with her when i see her? Is there a way to rebuild a relationship with her while disengaging her projection of her mother's emotional abuse onto me? Of course she sees my normal healthy rules as a violation of her "freedom". Thanks.

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