Question
My six-year-old son has been struggling with his attitude and respect towards authority. We realized that our leadership "talk" wasn't effective, so we've since made adjustments. In addition, we've taken a firm stance by revoking all privileges (except for swim team twice a week). This includes toys, TV, after-school clubs, birthday parties, etc. However, he is still allowed to join family outings and activities.
When he gets home from school, he goes straight into chores or homework until dinner. After dinner, he immediately starts his bedtime routine. We've given him one week to demonstrate that he can improve his attitude and respect. If he does, he will earn back one privilege. However, if he reverts to his previous behavior, that privilege will be revoked again, and the process will restart.
How long should we expect to wait before seeing effective change? We don't want to drive him to frustration or anger, but we do expect a positive shift in his behavior.
Answer
I applaud you for recognizing that your leadership "talk" was poor and for working to make adjustments in that area. Speaking to children with a commanding tone of voice (not demanding) is critical and can make all the difference in how children respond to adults. If the adjustment in your tone is fairly new, then your son has spent a number of years not being spoken to with a tone that tells him that you mean business. He must believe that you mean what you must say.
In terms of how long until you see effective change, for a six-year-old, leaving the timeline open-ended can be too vague. Your son needs to understand the goal and a timeline for achieving that goal. If you have not already done so, I suggest that you first have a meaningful, sit-down discussion with your son, free of all distractions (He needs to hear and feel the seriousness of your words). Let him know that as his parent(s) you have not done right by him in allowing him to be disrespectful and that it must stop. Give him specific examples of when he has been disrespectful. Then I suggest that together you make a chart with 2 columns. With your son's input, in the first column list what respectful behavior looks like (quiet listening, direct eye contact, pleasant voice tone, using kind/appreciative words like 'please', 'thank you', excuse me'...). In the second column, list what disrespectful behavior entails (rolling eyes, sighing, raised voice, slamming doors, refusing, whining, not completing chores, failing to put items away, etc.....).
Next, select one or two priority areas that need to be corrected/addressed (ex: 1) Follow directions the first time. 2) Speak in a respectful tone to others.). Make a chart with 14 squares. Tell your son that he must comply with the 2 directives for 14 days straight. If he does so for 3 days consecutively but fails to do so on the fourth day, start the chart over. During the two weeks, continue to have him come straight come, complete his chores and homework, and go to bed early. Curtail special events and after-school clubs, as they are typically activities that are highly meaningful to children and send the most powerful message. Once he completes 14 days consecutively, allow him to return to his normal activities with the understanding that any backslide will result in the process starting all over again.
The swim team is good exercise and provides him the opportunity to work on self-discipline. IF, however, the swim team is highly meaningful to him and being pulled from the team would send the most powerful message, then that can certainly be an option (arranging with the coach to have your son attend the practices but sit on the sideline for a few weeks may also be impactful).
Remember, the goal is to nip the disrespectful behavior in the bud once and for all. The consequences must get your son's attention in a big way. Once the disrespectful behavior is put to rest, the entire family will be the better for it.
Wishing you better days ahead.
Sincerely,
Sharon Lamberth
Certified Leadership Parent Coach
sklamberth17@gmail.com
parentwithconfidence.org
Join ParentGuru and get all your parenting questions answered! Members can ask a question directly to John for $25/question (Non-members $45/question). Questions to the team of coaches are included with a paid membership.
