Question
just received a call from our Head of School, informing me that our 8-year-old son threatened another child at school. This behavior is completely out of character for him. When we asked him about it, he said, "I let my anger get out of control."
Here's some background: the incident happened after a classmate told the teacher that our son was working on a social studies project instead of his math assignment. In response, our son said, "If you don't shut your mouth, there will be blood involved." Even typing this makes me feel sad and uncomfortable, especially since our child has always been known as "kind" and "a friend to all."
Our child is not allowed to play video games, nor does he have regular screen time. We plan to take a "Garden of Eden" approach in addressing this issue. My main question is: should we also take away books from his room during this punishment? Reading is his favorite hobby, and he loves it. I’m truly at a loss and feel like I’ve failed as a parent.
Answer
First and foremost, you should not feel like a failure as a parent. It’s really important to recognize that all kids are going to make mistakes, behave inappropriately, and even say things to others that we never would have imagined. This incident with your son is very bothersome to you and you are proactively seeking solutions, are involved in this incredible Parent Guru community, and thoughtfully concerned with his actions. None of those things equates to being a failure as a parent.
When reviewing the details of the incident at school, a few items stood out to me that might be significant to address with your son. While it’s positive to hear that your son has historically been known to be a “friend to all” and “kind” to others, it’s important to remember that he is still only eight years old and is not going to always behave perfectly. That is normal and certainly common. It’s the way parents handle these types of occurrences that create the most meaningful and lasting impacts on childhood development, should you “nip it in the bud” now to ensure he’s inspired to never handle himself this way again in the future.
The first significant detail in your explanation/question was when you asked him about it and he responded and said that “he let his anger get out of control.” When parents ask children “what happened” when adults at the school have already relayed the details, you are inviting your son to create a situation where he is potentially a victim, justified in his response, or explaining away that his emotions took over and he couldn’t help it. Going forward, I would no longer phrase your knowledge of this as a question. Rather, let him know that the school has contacted you and informed you of his inappropriate behavior at school, therefore, here is what’s going to happen as a result. Period. There’s no discussion, as this just invites excuses and justifications.
The second detail that I would address is the fact that your son was not following the teacher’s directions and was working on a social studies project rather than completing his math assignment, as directed by the teacher. No matter his justification, he was blatantly defying the teacher’s directions at school and that should not be acceptable. This action is certainly something that I would not gloss over in this scenario and be clear this isn’t going to be permitted going forward.
The response to your son’s classmate reporting to the teacher is certainly one to address. That particular phrase is not typical of an eight year-old's vocabulary and is most likely a result of repeating something he has heard, whether it be in digital entertainment or elsewhere. At any rate, it’s good that you’re taking it seriously and driving home the fact that any type of language of that sort will not be tolerated, in any capacity.
When addressing this whole scenario with your son, I would let him know that you’re not happy about it and reiterate that he does not have your permission to be disrespectful to anyone at school, which includes teachers and classmates. Additionally, I’d let him know that you’ve decided that he is going to write an apology note to his teacher for not following directions and write an apology note to his classmate for his threatening language. You might also have him write a third apology note to the Head of School for not following the code of conduct. He should write these apology notes on his own while in his room. Let him know that you will be checking these notes and if they are not to your satisfaction, he will be rewriting them until they are sufficient. Do not offer to help him write the notes, as his time reflecting and articulating his apology words are part of the learning process and you want him to recognize that what he did was wrong and he should feel the wrong of what he’s done. In short, just telling him it was wrong is not enough, he needs to sit with that uncomfortability to make a lasting impression and ultimately accept the responsibility of his actions. I’d also let your son know that you expect him to be on his best behavior at school, provide him a list of examples, and set up a quick weekly check-in with the teacher to ensure he’s held accountable to those expectations.
When pondering the notion of your son having books in his room during his “Garden of Eden” time, I would be mindful of a few factors before filling his room with the books that he loves. First, apology notes should be completed and hand-delivered by him with a verbal apology during the exchange. Second, his schoolwork and homework should be completed with top quality effort and attention. And lastly, he should be going above and beyond when executing his list of household chores. If all of those boxes are checked, I would consider providing him with some specific reading books that target topics reflecting family values and important life lessons. Children's books, such as The Berenstain Bears collection, are helpful for opening up discussions about specific scenarios and appropriateness at school and in social situations.
At the end of the day, remember “The Agony Principle: Parents should not agonize over anything a child does or fails to do if the child is perfectly capable of agonizing over it himself.”
All the best,
Lisa Stilwell
Certified Leadership Parenting Coach
www.vintageparenting.com
lisa.vintageparenting@gmail.com
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