Question
Our newly six-year-old daughter, an only child, constantly seeks our attention and prefers not to be alone when we’re home.
She wants us to stay with her longer at bedtime, engage in conversation and play throughout the day, and be involved in nearly all her routines—bathing, getting dressed, and even wiping after using the toilet. She asks us to accompany her for simple tasks, like retrieving something from another room or playing outside in our fenced backyard. While we sometimes oblige, other times we encourage her to do things on her own.
Despite this, she has no trouble separating from us for outside activities like playdates, music and art classes, and swimming lessons.
How can we help her develop more independence at home when appropriate?
Answer
Around the age of three, it’s developmentally appropriate for children to be able to entertain themselves for long periods without the need for parental attention. At six years old, your daughter is a few years behind the curve. The greatest gift you can give your daughter is to give more attention to your marriage than to her. Quite honestly, it trumps any reading or math homeschool lesson by far at that age.
When children are at the center of the family, they become accustomed to being entertained by one or both parents and often have difficulty playing independently, spending time alone, or completing age-appropriate tasks by themselves. In other words, she is addicted to your attention. Therefore, setting a clear tone that you are putting your marriage first would be my initial recommendation. Since you are both trying to increase her independence, consider shifting your mindset from “promote” to “require” independence and feel comfortable using that type of language.
First and foremost, establish a new set of household rules that position you as the rightful leaders in parenting. After all, parenting is leadership and should be carried out with complete confidence, driven by the mission of your overall parenting goals.
As a practical matter, consider introducing these new expectations in tomorrow’s homeschool lesson. Personally, I would start with the toilet issue—letting her know that six-year-olds are old enough and capable of wiping themselves. Effective immediately, you will no longer assist her in that capacity. The next time she’s in the restroom, you should not hear her calling for help. Additionally, six-year-olds can fetch things by themselves across the house without an escort. Let her know that when you ask her to get something or if she wants something from another room, she will go and get it on her own.
As part of your lesson, directly explain this to her, have her repeat it back for clarity, model what it looks like, and then allow her to practice a couple of times so the message is clear. From then on, do not accompany her for these types of tasks. Incorporating household chores into these lessons is also incredibly practical and beneficial. For example, tell your daughter to gather her dirty clothes and put them in the laundry room.
When promoting independent play, start by using a small kitchen timer. Set it for twenty to thirty minutes at least two to three times during the day and again once both parents are home in the early evening. Let her know she should find ways to play and occupy her time independently until the timer goes off. When explaining how this will work, provide clear directions and boundaries on where she may play. Once the timer goes off, she may return to the room where the parent(s) are. However, during that timed independent play in the evening, you and your partner should spend time discussing your day—or better yet, planning a night out without your daughter. Continue this timer routine daily, and you should begin to see her independent playtime naturally extend. This method is also useful when practicing homeschool lessons, such as writing her name or counting manipulatives.
I also encourage you to have regular weekly date nights and hire a babysitter for your daughter. It’s important to consistently put your marriage first and model a healthy relationship. In the meantime, spend quality time with her during homeschool lessons, family meals, bedtime reading, and occasional games throughout the week.
Since your daughter is homeschooled, capable of playing with other children, and attending music, art, and swimming lessons, you know she is not starved for attention—it’s quite the opposite. Her requests for constant entertainment will continue if you don’t set limitations. It’s okay to say, “Go play in your room or play area,” without feeling guilty. All children benefit from learning how to play without an adult, which actually strengthens their social skills, confidence, and imagination (especially if excessive toys and technology are minimized).
Remember, as the parents, you do not need to convince or sell ideas to your child. As leaders in the home, you can use alpha speech and require your daughter to do things that are developmentally appropriate and beneficial for her, such as dressing herself, cleaning up after herself in the bathroom, and playing independently.
All the best,
Lisa Stilwell
Certified Leadership Parenting Coach
www.vintageparenting.com
lisa.vintageparenting@gmail.com
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