Question
I am a single mom of 5-year-old twin boys. They are generally well-behaved, thanks to reading your books multiple times, but I’ve noticed they often don’t follow through on instructions. For example, at my brother’s house this evening, I told them it was time to leave, but they kept dragging their feet. I then said I was going to the car and walked outside. However, instead of following me, they went back inside to watch TV with their cousin. I ended up having to go back in to get them.
How would you recommend handling situations like this to help them be more accountable and responsive?
Answer
Thanks for your question, and keep up the great work! Consistency is one of the most powerful tools in your parenting toolbox.
Here’s a strategy for handling situations like this: let’s say you’re out shopping at 10 a.m. and your kids aren’t listening. Get them in the car without making a scene, drive home, and carry on with your day as if everything is fine. Make them lunch, and don’t mention the incident. When supper rolls around and they’ve finished eating, say, “Go upstairs and get ready for bed. I’ll be up shortly to tuck you in and say your prayers.”
They might respond, “Mom, we don’t go to bed right after supper!” That’s when you calmly explain, “Starting tonight and for the next three weeks, you’ll be going to bed right after supper. This means any activities we’ve planned—like sleepovers, birthday parties, or visits to relatives—are canceled. Nothing will interfere with this new schedule.”
If they ask why, respond, “I’m glad you asked. This morning, while we were shopping, you repeatedly disregarded my instructions. I won’t be repeating myself anymore. Because you didn’t listen when I told you what was expected, my reward is three weeks of child-free evenings. Now, go brush your teeth and get ready for bed.”
After they’re ready, tuck them in, say your prayers together, and tell them you love them. Then walk out and stick to the consequence. Follow through, no matter how they try to test your resolve. Don’t take the bait—see it through to the end.
The beauty of this approach is that you stay calm, cool, and collected, acting as though everything is fine. The kids will think they’ve gotten away with it—until the surprise consequence hits. This element of surprise keeps them guessing: “If I don’t listen, what’s Mom going to do next?”
The best part is that you don’t have to act immediately. Contrary to what some experts say, with 5-year-olds, you have 2-3 days to address a behavior. As they grow older, the window gets even larger, giving you more leverage.
Keep up the excellent work!
Sincerely,
Tim Bonzagni
Parent Coach, Retired Pastor & Teacher
401-742-3948
parentcoach101.com@gmail.com
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