I am diagnosed with depression, anxiety, OCD and CPTSD and grew up in a very dysfunctional, emotionally abusive and neglectful home. I struggled with post natal depression and never sought help and did struggle to bond with my 7 year old, there was a lot of parent-child disconnect And I am slowly mending the broken pieces but I haven’t sought therapy because I haven’t figured out what is right for me and I am very cautious of the secular world of popular psychology and counselling but I do worry my son picks up on my behaviours, sometimes the disconnect and gets the brunt of my bad moods, even though I have improved significantly realising my behaviour sets the tone for the home, but there are still days when it is a struggle and I feel awful my son has to live with me being this way. I cry most nights and wish I could explain to him even though I mess up I am trying my best with what I have right now and there is only so much I can do being a single parent. I do tell him I have headaches a lot so I need to lay down and i always apologise if I am grumpy or shout (thankfully shouting has become very rare now). I have started a journal (for him to maybe read one day) where I just talk about our day and say the things I don’t know if are appropriate to say to him at this point. Do I need to talk to him more about my mental health or should I keep doing what I am doing? I love him so much and it aches my heart my behaviours and mental struggles hurt him and I don’t want him to live with the same dysfunctions I did. I keep praying for the right support to get through this and continue to trust God but some days it’s hard to keep going and think things will change. I wish he knew how much of a struggle it is and that none of this is his fault and he doesn’t deserve the instability of my emotions.
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