"Parents who always go out of their way for their children eventually lose their way. "

Parents Need to Be On The Same Page

Question

My husband and I recently legally adopted our six and half year old nephew who has been living with us since he was 2.5. He did not know us prior to him coming to live with us. He comes from a biological home of probably neglect and abuse . He has clinical diagnoses of RAD, ADHD (medicated at this time), PTSD, Anxiety, conduct disorder and some sensory issues. He has separation issues and is deathly afraid of the dark and of heights. He is doing well at school with an IEP and extracurricular activities included his first year of cub scouts and playing soccer. He sees a psychologist biweekly and goes to a a therapeutic farm every weekend to ride horse/do farm stuff. Our issue is at home. His behaviors at home are terrible. School always states they do not see the same behaviors at school as we do. Quite frankly, my husband and I spoiled him in his earlier years with us, I feel as out of guilt for his situation. Now he appreciates nothing and wants more and more. He throws tantrums literally rolling on the floor, throws things, knocks things off tables/counters, aggressively hits me in particular when told that he cannot have something, when he disagrees with us in anyway. He has started running out of the door at the house to the road trying to wave cars down or has run into our woods (we have 12 acres) when he is angry. Time outs do not work, putting him in his room does not work....he destroys it...throws things at the door....bangs on the walls/window....takes his clothes out of his drawers. He curses, calls us names like jerks, tells us we are mean and the worst parents (in response to not getting his way), has told us he wants new parents, wish we would die, that he is going to call 911 tell them we do not feed him (which is absolutely ludicrous). He does a lot of negative attention seeking behaviors particularly when other children are at our home such as our grandchildren. He knows what he can get away with as far as my husband, and myself goes to the extreme to get what he wants. He "rules the roost" so to speak, and my husband and I need to reclaim it. He has very little respect for me as his mother figure, particularly when my husband is home...because my husband gives in to his "wants" more than I do...just to quiet him down/appease him/calm the situation. I however tend to stick to the consequences that are given...for bad choices there are consequences or he will never learn how to succeed in the adult world. This child definitely knows how to triangulate and manipulate us to get what he wants and put a division between my husband and myself. The "team" in our marriage has broken down over the past 4 years due to this. However; on the flip side of this behavior when he doesnt get his way, he is an extremely smart (so much so that he has hacked through our parental controls on several tablets) and sweet child. He loves animals, he loves to snuggle. We love him very much, he is our son. We want him to be a responsible adult. To be fair, I just joined this website and have not read any of the books yet. Where do we start?

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