"If your child accuses you of being "mean," you must have done something right. "

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My step-daughter 14 has been telling her mom and dad on and off for years that she does not feel part of our household and wants to stay at her mom's house. This conversation usually starts up again when she does not like something that has happened at our house. Our house has rules, but very lax ones, except she is off electronics by 8:30 pm. Otherwise, she eats when she chooses, does no chores and spends her time doing whatever she wants, mostly in her room. Her mom's house seems to have less rules, especially around the electronics.

We are going through this again because she and I had a back and forth (7 minutes max) about her spending 3 hours sharing personal information about her dislike of me and her home dislikes to my new dog sitter one night. Our conversation resulted in her leaving/sneaking out of our house at 10:30pm and walking somewhere to call her mom.

My husband thinks I should say nothing in any situation, including asking her to unload the dishwasher, since we have almost no relationship. However, I would not let anyone come in my home and share personal information with my dog sitter and not say anything to them. She has made a lifetime career of telling people why she does not like me. I am not OK accepting it in my house. What is the right approach so we don't have this big drama tied to me saying something to her?

My husband is not disciplining her in any way because he said she left because she was upset, not to have fun. Additionally, the mom is threatening a custody since she was able to leave our house. So the mom and child are in a power position holding this over his head (even though I don't think there is any valid reason the court would change custody).

Even if the child is saying she does not want to stay with us, there should be a consequence for leaving at 10:30pm at night, correct?Thanks.

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