Question
Have custody of a now, 4 year old Grandson.
Mom abandoned him at about 18 months old, moved to Florida to make porn. Returned after that didn't work for her. My husband and I refused to allow her back in our home. When she returned, she expected us to resume life as it was when she disappeared, but we did not low her back into our home.
She was allowed access to her child, I even picked her up from where she was living to spend time with him, and care for him. But, once again, she hooked up with a local pothead and quit coming around.
She finally started coming around a little when her Dad was dying with leukemia, but did very little "care" for her own child. In December, she moved about 15 miles from us, and hasn't even contacted me about him since. His birthday was mid April, not a card, call, text, or mention of his birthday was made. Back in December when she decided to move off with her boyfriend and was constantly making excuses instead of visiting with her child, my lawyer and you guys advised she needed to be consistent or keep her away....which I told her. I clearly told her that she needed to develop a visitation schedule, maintain it without excuses.....to try to rebuild a relationship with her son. She has failed on all levels. No attempt to,see him since Christmas Day.
Fast forward to last night. Zayn was tired and getting ready for bed. While I was cleaning up the dinner dishes, he was about the den playing. (He had helped with loading the dishwasher). When we went in the bathroom to change into our "bedroom clothes", I noticed he had taken a tube of Desitin and squeezed it onto the bathroom floor in two piles. When I asked him what happened, at first he said, Angel (his cousin who was not present) did it....I said, no, Angel isn't here Zayn...did you do this? He said, yes Grandma I did it. I said thank you for telling the truth...but do you know you wasted the desitin? He said he didn't care.....I said you don't care that you wasted it? So, not what will I put on your crack and the babies crack when it is red? ( we call desitin caulking for the crack, family joke). He said he didn't care again. I ask him if he knew why he squirted it out....he said yes, Grandma Because I am mad! I asked why? He stated he was mad and sad because Martha (his Mom) didn't come to see him or play with him. He started boohooing. This child cried for 10 minutes. I was floored.....did my best to console him...he asked me several times WHY she didn't come to see him and play with him.....I was just at a pure loss for words. I finally was able to tell him that I was sorry that Martha didn't come to see him and that I really do not know why she doesn't come, but that when she wants to come, she is welcome to come to our house and play with him. I really don't think he gets the concept of she is his Mom. He sees my older daughter's boys interacting with their Mom, but he has never really asked about his Mom. He did call himself my"son" yesterday.
Please help! I really don't know how to deal with the upcoming questions and would like to have something I can read or study to help Zayn deal with the absence of his Mom. We do not on a daily basis discuss her or even mention her name, only as he bring it up.
Please advise....I know this is going to be a tough road as he gets older and she isn't interested in being in his life. I think maybe I should look into hiring a coach to help me navigate these waters with consistency. I do know that letting the emotional side of this can not be an excuse for misbehaving on his part and I must not let that interfere with discipline....but being in the middle of this and not understanding myself why she chooses to stay away is difficult for me as an adult.
Recommendations?
Thanks
Jo Strickland
