Question
My son who is 6.5 years old, has always had a competitive nature. From wanting to win in games, being first out the door, first in line...first, first, first, win, win, win...it's exhausting. I will watch him in Taekwondo where they are practicing a certain movement (e.g. a roundhouse kick) and they will walk across the room practicing that same movement and instead of focusing on perfecting the movement, he typically races through it because he wants to reach the other side before anyone else does. Obviously not the point and it truly frustrates me. We have discussed it and while he has changed a little bit, I can tell the desire to finish first even with something like this is still in him. While I'm happy he has a competitive spirit, I want to shape it into something that will work for him, versus against him. He attends a Montessori school and honestly, I hoped that its "be competitive with yourself" philosophy would help him, but I have also talked with him about it countless times.
Yesterday, I received a call from one of his teachers who shared that when they were lining in up go back into the school from the playground, my son pushed a girl who was trying to move in front of him in line. To make matters worse, she had recently broken her arm so while the push didn’t hurt her arm, it did make her fall to the ground when pushed and she was crying. All of this makes me very upset, but to make matters worse, he told a guide that she was crying but he didn’t move out of his place in line to help her. I’m sure he knew what he did was wrong and felt shame and/or fear over what would happen to him, but part of me wonders if it was primarily because he didn’t want to lose his place in line (which makes me even more upset). I had a long conversation with him last night and there were lots of tears, apologies and a true recognition on his part that he did something very bad, but I can’t say with certainty if his behavior will truly change. The guide said that she knows him well (has been in the primary classroom for three years now) and knows he has a sweet spirit, cares for people and he truly does (I promise I’m not just saying that because I’m his mom).:) But the scary thing to me is that when it comes to his competitiveness, its as if all of that is lost in the moment.
I have 3 questions:
1) From a psychological point of view, why does a child behave this way? I know that may sound like a silly question and it is probably difficult to answer as there could be a variety of reasons, I'm just trying to get a better understanding psychologically of why this behavior happens.
2) How do I do a better job of working with him on this issue? While I believe he is a year+ behind socially, he still knows right from wrong and I would think that while someone cutting in line might upset him, he should know not to act out on that frustration. His teacher wondered if he needed some concentrated time practicing social skills in different scenarios (whether at home with me or through a class) and I can do more of that or look for some sort of class, but it still doesn’t get to the crux of the competitive issue and how to deal with those behaviors.
3) From your experience, what is the best form of discipline for what happened on the playground? After our long talk, I explained that there would be a consequence coming for what happened and he understands this. I just didn’t know what would be best to drive the point home and wanted to reach out to your group first and get your thoughts. Thank you!
