Problems with live-in adult stepdaughter continue


My 43 year old stepdaughter and her 9 year old daughter have been living with us for almost 3 years because her husband is an alcoholic and was violent when they were living in CA. They moved back to NY state but she had no savings and lots of debt /owed taxes...and still we felt she could get on her feet here and have a safe environment for our granddaughter in our small town. But it seems like she has more debt than we thought. Started dating a younger man at work which has been going on for about 1 year and a half. We did not approve of her decision to have him upstairs one night next to her daughter's room and we had a big blow up.
Yesterday my granddaughter told me she was going to the Father Daughter dance with her mother's boyfriend. I asked if she asked her grandfather ( which I knew she had not) and she said " no I asked Bob because grandpa wasn't doing so well. ) Last year my husband, her grandfather , took her and they had a good time since her father couldn't travel back here for it.
My husband had some serious health issues this fall but by January it was obvious he was doing well and could easily attend the dance with her. Her mother never approached my husband to explain why she asked her boyfriend and not her grandfather. We are sickened over the whole thing . This is how we see and feel about it.
# 1. Nice way to dishonor your father/grandfather.
#2. We feel she is such an ungrateful person.
#3. What kind of person would let her daughter go to the dance with her boyfriend even if her daughter wanted to go with him?
I know if we say anything to my stepdaughter tonight since it will be obvious her daughter will be dressed up for it...there will be a blow up tomorrow or whenever. She is going to do what she wants and the only thing I can think about to stay sane is she claims she will move out by end April buying a house or renting.
I may not say anything unless she tells us and all I am going to say is " you have to do what you have to do".
Do you agree? Your answer will come in a few days but I had to get it out.

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