Question
I have 8 & 10 year old stepsons and a 3 month old. When the baby was first born, the kids stayed with their mother for about a month before slowly resuming split custody. Before they returned to us, she lectured them about if anything makes them "uncomfortable" to let her know. That seems to be the go-to word they know to use for mommy to come swooping in. They are not allowed to see me nurse and must be in their rooms (lots of toys and books), in the bonus room (toys, games, books, tv) or outdoors. She attacked my husband about us being ridiculous to not let them see me nurse because being banished for 30 minutes makes them "uncomfortable." I don't particularly care, nor does he. The 10 year old is actually thriving now and is well-adjusted, plays sports, and adores his brother. The 8 year old has never appreciated that he isn't the main attraction in our household, but I believe his mother has given him a built-in excuse with the new baby. She dotes on the 8 year old though somewhat ignores the 10y/o. It's heartbreaking really. He regularly sleeps in her bed (with her fiancé), and often has "special time" with her while the other is handed his iPad (tablets are banned in our house). Lately 8y/o is calling her on our land line to complain of how awful it is here and she is quick to attack my husband is a result. Any fault of the child's is actually ours or the teacher's fault and she "helpfully" suggests we must guide him through homework or make a game of chores while again guiding him (i.e. doing it for him - we ignore her). She plans to take him to a psychiatrist and while I disagree, maybe the doc will point out the enmeshment. He begs to be with her. She states that she thinks it's important to have daddy time but the actual reason is she hands the boys off like a hot potato at first opportunity. We of course don't let the boys know this and my husband tells them he wants them as often as he can have them. 8y/o plays the mommy/daddy game and she allows it - it's like 2 children conspiring together! Generally he tells us (and all adults) what he thinks we want to hear so he's polite and does chores - it's just he attempts to usurp all attention and we aren't having it. Honestly it reads like the narcissist mother, golden child (8 year old) and scape goat (10 year old). I'm thrilled that her effects seem to not get to the 10y/o any more, but the spoiled brat behavior of the 8y/o is unacceptable. I checked the phone records and after seeing some late night calls to her number, have unplugged the phones past a certain hour. We will continue to parent the way we believe is right (trying to follow Dr. Rosemond's style, if imperfectly - we have the books) but do we have much hope as long as his mother actively encourages his entitled behavior? I have half a mind to suggest she keep the 8y/o and we keep the 10y/o but that seems like the wrong way to handle this even if it would be the easiest.
