"Give your children regular doses of Vitamin "N," as in "No." "

19 yo Narcissist Revisited

Question

We need more help in dealing with the daughter that I have asked questions about in the past. She is continuing her pattern of bitterness. She made no contact with me on a recent birthday and no contact with my wife on Mother's Day. In both cases, we invited her to come to our house for the occasion. She did come last evening as we were celebrating 2 of our other children's birthday. She obviously tries to be the loving, supportive sister to the siblings - which would be fine except it appears that she mainly wants to pull their allegiance away from us and get them on "her side". When she got to our house last night, I asked her how her day was and she ignored me until I asked he again as she was facing me and she briefly answered. When she left, I told her goodnight and "drive safe". She walked on past without a word. While there, she asked if Josh (our 13 year old son) had school on Monday. I told her no and she asked him if he wanted to hang out with her that day - "we'll have a date" - which if she was a positive influence and would have asked, it would be fine. I also noticed that she had "defriended" me on FaceBook - no big deal but just part of the pattern. She also is wanting our 18 year old daughter to move in with her for the summer. In all of this, we are trying to take the "high road" - be nice and not stir up trouble with her while praying like crazy for a breakthrough. At times, I just want to jump in set her straight, but I know how that would end. So here is what I am struggling with today:
1. What should be our overall position with her?
2. Should we stop paying for her phone? That is the only support that we are currently giving her. It irritates me that she using the phone that we provide to send disrespectful texts and stir up trouble among her siblings (I don't have proof of this, but feel confident that she is working to get all her siblings to turn on us). Our concern is that if we drop her from our phone account, she would get a new number and make sure we don't get the number and possibly stop all communication directly with us.
3. Should we let the younger siblings spend time with her. If not, how should we respond to her - "Why not?"
4. Should we discourage our 18 year old from spending the summer with her? If so, do we make it obvious to both of them that right now she in a toxin to our family dynamics?
5. Any other words of advice or encouragement?
Thanks so much for your help!

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