Question
More drama with our daughter - Followup
I thought they maybe we were making some headway until tonight. We met as a family for ice cream and she expressed her concern about some choices that her younger sister was making. We tried to affirm her concern although we are not sure she is correct in all her assessment. As we were getting ready to leave, she mentioned that she thought all people should go to a counselor and my wife asked her if she was still seeing one, She said "No!" and the conversation continued briefly and we went home. Soon after we got home the texting between her and my wife began. Here are some excerpts:
Daughter: So here's the deal. I am going to counseling. It's none of your all's business that I am, and I resent the fact that you all put me in this position, but regardless...here we are. I panicked and said no because that's something extremely personal that you all have no business asking. If I wanted to tell you all, then I would have. I didn't...which is why I didn't tell you. You all put me in a position where I had to either lie or give up information that I didn't feel comfortable giving up, and that is extremely unfair. So for future reference: you all don't have permission to ask me for personal details about my life or my choices. If I want to tell you something then I'll tell you. It wasn't okay for you to ask and it's not okay for you all to ask about anything personal in the future. I shouldn't have to tell you this; I think it's a common courtesy, but I'm willing to give you some black and whites if you all can respect them. If you all can respect that it's not okay to ask me (or anyone) personal details about my/their life (that they haven't given you explicit permission to ask about), then we can get along. Deal?
Wife: I am so confused. First of all, you have asked us very personal information this past year and I shared because you are our daughter. Second of all, you mentioned to me before that you were going - at least once maybe twice. Besides that, families usually can ask each other anything and tell anything. An open and honest communication is necessary. Also- I didn't sense you were upset at the time tonight or afterwards while we were talking. So am wondering why. Also, the statement by you that everyone needs counseling is what triggered my question in the first place. ????? Papa and I have discussed that we would like to join you to figure out all this weirdness between us that has developed since you have been at (college).....so we already knew you had gone some at least.
D: ... every person has the right to set their own boundaries and what's okay and not okay when it's concerning themselves. I'm saying I don't want you to ask me for personal details about my life or my choices.
I've never told you that I was going to counseling. Maybe you thought I did...or maybe you heard me saying I was going for a counseling degree and thought I said I was going TO counseling.
Some families can ask each other anything and everything. But that has to be at the consent of all parties involved. You don't have my consent to ask me for personal details about my life or my choices.
And I know how to take a step back and think through things before diving right in which is why I didn't say anything earlier tonight.
It doesn't matter what brings any question to mind. If it's a personal detail: don't ask it. If I had wanted to offer up the information, then I could have.
And absolutely no about "joining me" on anything.
And any "weirdness" has nothing to do with me going to counseling. You can assume all you want to about anything you want to. I really can't stop you from that. But...you're not allowed to ask me for personal details.
So this is the deal. You all have a choice to respect my "rules" or not. Either way has consequences...good or bad.
W: I will try. But cannot promise I will always remember. You can always say you don't feel comfortable answering a question.
