Question
Hi. I am writing about my 16 yr old son. Tonight he was told he could go to a party and to be home at 11:30 pm. I got a text from a friend of his at midnight saying that my son had about 5 beers so his friends would not let him drive and that he went to another friend’s house to sleep. I have no way of contacting my son, as he does not have a cell phone. He has had numerous cell phones that he bought on his own, but he always seems to destroy them, usually by way of water. Therefore, we refuse to buy him one. Unfortunately, this is not the first time he has pulled something like this.
When he was 14 (almost 15), we set him up with a summer job of selling boiled peanuts out of a boat. We thought it was a good opportunity for him to learn responsibility and earn cash. A couple of months into it, he became friendly with some older kids that worked (and apparently partied) in the same area. We got a phone call from law enforcement that our son was intoxicated. After we got home from picking up a drunk, crying teen, I told our son I was headed to the store to get a drug test and he told me not to, that he wouldn’t pass it. He had smoked pot. At that point, we deleted his Facebook account, he had a cell phone we took from him and deleted all his contacts, and grounded him with nothing to do but read. Also, he lost the privilege of selling boiled peanuts for the rest of that season (it’s a summer thing). We did let him have another go at it this past summer with certain rules in place which he did occasionally break and we talked with him about. (No friends on the boat with you. You are working! We showed up once and found a friend in the boat with him.) He earned enough money to buy himself a truck (we helped pay for some work it needed, $825, which he has paid down to $500 and he’s steadily paying us back) and he now works part-time for me at a golf course that I manage.
He lies to us, and I have heard him lie to others in hopes to be “cool”, I think. (He told someone he went to a local festival that I KNOW he didn’t go to). The day after I confronted him about lying about the festival he took $8.00 in quarters from a jar my husband and I keep in our room. When my husband confronted him, he told him he took $8.00 and tried to give my husband $10.00. My husband informed him only wanted the $8.00 back, that our money was our money, and his money was his money. My husband also told him that we both work very hard, and have for a long time, to have the things we have and he hopes that one day our son will feel bad for the lying and stealing.
I have just finished reading Teen- Proofing (I bought it after the recent lying and stealing of quarters, because I just really don’t trust him). I actually finished the book today and before he went out tonight, I explained to him that I was giving him Freedom, but that it comes with a price. I asked him what that was and he answered, “Responsibility”. I told him, “Yes, and if you are responsible, eventually that will build Trust, but if you are not responsible, you will lose your freedom”. Then I told him, “You know what we expect, so that’s all I need to say”.
We have always battled with him on the school front. Lack of self-control in the classroom that results in phone calls from teachers (not as many in High school, but there have been a few), and his grades will slip and within a few days, he’ll have them back up. I think I have given you a fairly good background. Also, I should probably tell you he has two younger brothers (13 & 10) and they all three do chores.
After reading Teen-Proofing, I would consider myself a micromanaging parent to a degree, so part of me wonders if I have caused some of his “need to lie”, which he admits it is a problem that he needs to fix. We have talked about how the truth is ALWAYS better. My question, would you consider this a time to use a check mate move? Part of me thinks I should sell his truck, make him find a job where “Mom” is not his boss, and save his money until he can afford another vehicle. Or I could take his keys (and the alternator off his truck ) and make him pay us our $500.00 and keep good grades for a whole 9 weeks to earn his driving privilege back.
The fact that I haven’t talked to him and he is sleeping at some ones house that I don’t know is really bothering me. As I write this, it is 2:45 a.m. “Night spending” is not allowed and he knows this. I told him just a few months ago that my kids will come home at night so that I can lay eyes on them and know they are safe. (Micro-managing?) I would really appreciate any suggestions. Please put yourself in my shoes and tell me what you would do, because you seem to be so good at this. Thanks so much!
Sincerely,
This is the plan I have come up with. He is still not home at 12:30 p.m. (13 hrs late) so I have still not implemented it. Thoughts please...
Loss of Vehicle until:
1. You pay Mom and Dad the money you owe them.
2. You go 1 month without lying, stealing, or being disrespectful.
3. Your grades are “C” or above, no zero’s, no tardies, no absences, no phone calls from teachers, no trouble of any sort for 1 month.
4. As has always been the rule, you are to come straight home from school, with no friends, and do whatever chores are assigned to you that day.
All four of the above stipulations must be met in order to get the use of your vehicle reinstated. If you break the terms of stipulations #2, #3, or #4 at any time, the 1 month period starts over.
The loss of the use of your truck means you will not be able to drive to Destin to work. It is your responsibility to find a job, within walking distance or that you can get a ride to, so that you can pay us the money you owe us to get your truck back. If you do not pay us back in 6 months time, you will sell your truck. We will not continue to let it sit in the driveway for an unknown amount of time.
