Question
I am struggling with how to balance my interests and being good wife/mother. I have 2 kids, one just turned 4 and a 21 month old. I always wanted to be a stay-at-home mom, but I had other things that I loved to do like riding/training horses. In fact, I'd even go as far as to say that horses really are my passion in life. I really feel the most at home with them, and they challenge me to be a better person.
I have been married for 7 years. About a month before getting married I completed a holistic nutrition course which I was very excited about. But I gave up starting a new career (I had health problems for years that made it impossible to go to university or work much in my early 20's) so that my husband could go back to university for a 3rd degree. I also gave up a rare position grooming and riding with a well respected horse trainer who felt I was talented and was willing to take me under her wing. I did what ever was needed to pay the bills (we had very little money). It was hard but, at the time, I was happy to give up my dreams for my husband to have the chance at a career he would really thrive in. We had our first child during his 4th year at university, he was colicky and had silent reflux. We had no help, but I felt lucky I had lots of experience with kids as a nanny to help me deal with a challenging first baby. My second pregnancy was very tough with no help again.
Now that my kids are getting older and not in such constant need of me, I would like to pursue some of my interests/passions.
The problem is the strain it seems to bring into my home. I would like to start a website on nutrition as a way for me to be involved in that without sacrificing be a stay-at-home mom. It would allow me to do something I love and yet, not need to pay for childcare. My husband is worried about the kids seeing me on the computer too much (we are nearly screen free with our kids, they have only open-ended toys and many books) He is also worried that it will take too much of my attention from the kids and that the household my suffer as a result. He is worried that this is something I just want to do as an escape but that it will fade and become boring.
I feel like I am fading away, with no outlet for the things I love. I have no horse to ride, in fact I will just go watch my instructor just to be around horses. I miss it so much I am happy to just watch a horse! I really love nutrition and educating people about it. People tell me all the time they can see my passion for it when they talk to me. I really feel held captive by my choice to be a stay-at-home mom. I don't want to bring strife to my marriage, but I really am feeling upset that I naively gave up so much for my husband to have a 3rd degree and a whole new career. Now we are busy paying off student debt and I have nothing for me. And I find myself feeling so guilty over wanting us to spend money on ME. I feel so much guilt that riding horses is expensive and frivolous. But it really is a passion of mine, nothing quite compares. I have tried to take up crafts (crocheting, needle felting, etc) and other hobbies but I just don't enjoy it.
I really don't want to resent the choices we have made. I know that bitterness is a dangerous thing to allow to grow. I know that I should be grateful for the life I do have, as it really is a good life. I am tired of being last place. How much do I push for me to do some things that I enjoy? I don't want my kids thinking that mom is boring or only exists for them. Or that being a stay-at-home mom means you are a servant. I feel completely stuck in guilt and am afraid that some depression might even be creeping in. I don't want to look back at my life and feel like a victim of others and yet I don't want to rock the boat too much either. What is fair for me to expect for my life?
If I am just a complainer who needs to just see the good in life and carry on, please let me know. I do not want to live like the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence. But shouldn't I be able to want some things for my life outside of my household?
Thank you for your time.
