Question
5 year-old daughter and 3 year-old son. We’re at our wits end with both of them. 5YO used to be the easiest kid, always listened and did what we said. Now it depends on the day. She may decide to pick up her toys or she may decide to ignore us. 3YO is oblivious to everything we say. I seriously wonder if we’re talking a different language. We have tried to be very direct in what we say to them – “it’s time to pick up your toys” and then we walk away. But it’s like they don’t even hear us. When we really lose our patience and yell, then of course they move but maybe to put one toy away and then they get distracted and start playing again with the next toy they pickup.
In either case, we both work full-time and find it nearly impossible to implement the ticket method. By the time we get home from work, it’s a challenge to even eat dinner as a family and get the table cleared before it’s time to put the kids to bed. Best case scenario we’ve put them to bed early by maybe a ½ hour when their behavior is horrible, but that is a mere inconvenience to them and makes no difference obviously. And I have read in JR’s books that a 3YO is a little young for the ticket method so really no idea what to do with him. Spankings haven’t worked, time-out definitely doesn’t work.
We usually try to have the kids pick-up while we’re clearing the dinner table so by that time it’s only shortly before bed so if they don’t listen, what kind of recourse is there? We can’t put them to bed early at that point!
Answer
Don't give up on the ticket system. There is surely some time after you get home from work during which the children get to watch TV and play. Use your authoritative stance when you issue a command, and as you described, walk away. When you return and your command has not been fulfilled, simply take away a ticket. Don't worry if they lose all their tickets close to bedtime; just say, "You lost all your tickets, now it's time for bed."
Weekends will be really important, so be consistent on weekends. To make the ticket system even more effective, put a list of privileges on the refrigerator. For each day that your daughter (your son is too young for this) loses all her tickets, cross off one privilege. That will be one privilege that will be suspended for the entire weekend. In order to keep all her privileges for the weekend, your daughter has to make sure she makes it through every weekday without losing all her tickets.
Hang in there! Please keep us posted.
Best wishes,
Dinah Bucholz, CLPC, BSW
dinabucholz@gmail.com
